Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

Thanks to Down With Me for introducing me to this movement today about bloggers letting go of their facade and letting their truths come out. I have lamented on this blog about how frustrated I get with facebook, twitter and other social medias when people brag about their life and seem rosy all the time (or tell every single detail...spare me please about your baby's pooping habits...OR when they only have courage to say something awful because they are hiding behind a computer). Hence, I am limiting time on facebook and twitter because they often leave me feeling down on myself. I think it is especially important for bloggers to be a part of this "truth" movement because blogs started out as being personal and truthful and, by doing that, showing that life is not rosy all the time. However, something is changing in social media and this is now not always the case (though please spare me from comment boards on websites- they are AWFUL). I think I do a pretty good job of showcasing my ups and downs, but today I give in to the movement of "Things I am Afraid to Tell You..."

1. I have anxiety. I didn't realize it until this past year, but I am a very anxious person and always have been. My anxiety manifests itself in different ways during different points of my life, but I think my OCD and controlling nature are to control my feelings of anxiety. I am not surprise I have it- one whole side of my family is an anxious wreck- I just never connected the dots. Because of my anxiety I hate when plans get changed and I get stressed when I haven't done things I need to do (even something as simple as grocery shopping). It has left me a very productive yet very anal person who over plans and can't relax all the time.

2. I rarely get passed date #2. I hate dating in general, but I do it because it's what a single, twentysomething girl does, but I am no good at it and have very little success. I usually do fine on the first date, but there have been so many people that I thought were ok and then proceeded to not get passed the second date with. Part of me thinks that I will never have any sort of strong connection with someone (it happens so rarely for me), but part of me thinks I'm too picky. Honestly, though, I need to meet someone in an organic setting and get to know them gradually before dating. This dating to-get-to-know-you thing is not my cup of tea and I have very little success with it.

3. I still don't know how to measure a successful life. Is it kids? Marriage? A career? Solid group of friends? Some days I feel very successful and other days I feel like a failure and worry about my life. I still don't really know what I want and feel like I am always looking. Hopefully I will settle as I get older.

4. I love to work, but I don't love my job. I like my job enough and have good and bad days, but I sometimes wonder if there is something else that would make me happier or that I would be better at.  I think I want my Ph.D. but I don't want to take the time or money to get it yet, but I feel like I can't wait too much longer to decide or I will be too old and unable to work my schedule around it.  I think I want to work in higher education...or marketing...or in the business world. However, the grass is always greener, eh?

5. I have a hard time spending money. Going back to #1, spending money gives me a lot of anxiety. I budget compulsively and save a good amount, but I don't always let myself just enjoy my money. I don't believe in buying things you can't pay for, but even when I can pay, I choose to save and then have a hard time using my savings to buy exciting things or go on vacation. Must be that control thing! I also feel like I am a very selfish person (another worry of mine), so I have a hard time treating people to things that require money, but I would give my time to anyone.

So there is my list- I hope you join in on the movement and check out the other blogs participating- Things I'm Afraid to Tell You!
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