Sunday, July 8, 2012

From the Outside

Following in the footsteps of this and this post, I am getting brutally honest today. I have had a hard time putting my thoughts for this together without revealing too much to strangers about what has been going on, but I hope this justifies what I want to say. I am not talking about this to get pity, but instead to be honest and hopefully reach out to someone going through the same thing at this time in their life.

At 26, I am one of the few of my friends who is single. Each and every week someone new gets engaged, married or meets someone. I know, I know- I have talked about all this before. But it is really starting to wear down on me. I am lonely, feeling lost and not sure where my furture is headed or what I want. I go on dates and dates and dates and keep putting myself out there, but nothing is happening. I just want a buddy; I want someone to hang out with who enjoys doing the same things that I do. That, I think, is all anyone wants. A partner.

This summer is full of weddings, as next summer is shaping up to be as well. And I love weddings and celebrating, but I also find them getting increasingly hard to go to. I am always going alone, so even when I am in a place full of love and friends, I feel like an outsider. No one to text, no one to dance with (besides creepy other single guys who say inappropriate things to you...cue some interesting wedding stories) and no one to share the joy with. I was getting my hair and makeup done for my friend's wedding who I was in and while we were waiting EVERYONE was on their phone texting their boyfriends. Of nine bridesmaids, only me and one other were single. It really got to me.

It is hard to watch people you love move on to such exciting parts of their lives- love, sharing experiences with someone, new families, and new lifestyles- and not experience it yourself. I have had many breakdowns lately and can't seem to shake this feeling that I will never get what everyone else has. (I KNOW that no relationship is perfect, but even with the imperfections that come there are moments of pure bliss and opportunities/joy that arise from them).

From the outside I have always done everything I am supposed to- have lots of friends, get good grades, go to college, graduate, get a master's, buy a car, get a job, buy a house, ect. But what no one ever tells you is that doing everything like you are supposed to doesn't guarantee it will all go like it is "supposed to." That you will miss out on a lot by doing everything by the book. And that it gets harder and harder and harder to put on a smile and act like everything is fabulous. That as happy as you want to be and should be, you can't help but feel alone. And loneliness is the human condition. But with all we have now to keep connected to people we care about, sometimes you can't get connected enough no matter how much you try to reach out.

And so that is where I am in life right now. I am lonely, I feel lost and I don't know how to fix it. And it sucks. I can't imagine feeling this way for the rest of my life with even more marriages and friends having kids...it will just be never ending. Again, I don't want pity, I just wanted to be honest, because through my bubbly personality, life can still be hard and I know other people are right where or have been where I am.

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