Sunday, February 10, 2013

Save the Date(s)!

It's gonna be a busy wedding season! Check out my fridge:

Yup, that's 8 weddings this spring/summer as of February! As I have said, I have some pretty loveable friends.

But, as I have also said, weddings bring me a mixed bag of emotions. My great friend, Meredith, who is getting married in July, suggested I read this blog she follows for wedding tips, because it also has great posts on what weddings are like for people who aren't married. The original post is here, but I cut and pasted my favorite parts below, because it puts into words my feelings towards my friends' weddings.

...At thirty years old, I’m single and I’ve never been married. (Engaged once, and that was a huge mistake. The relationship was terrible and I rushed it because of wanting the wedding.)

For years now I have listened to the messages of society about how a woman’s worth is directly tied up in her marital status. I try not to believe it, but it’s hard not to. It’s everywhere I turn. From the Huffington Post publishing an article claiming that if you’re not married by thirty the reason is you must be a bitch, to my mom’s friends gossiping about why someone is still single. “She cared about her career too much.” “She shouldn’t have wasted time with that man who wasn’t going to commit.” 

Everyone has an opinion about what a girl has done wrong to end up thirty and unmarried. All that pressure and emotion is extremely present when going to friends’ weddings. I adore my friends, I’m delighted for them when they get engaged and married. That doesn’t make it easy for me, though. 

When my closest friend from home called me to tell me she was engaged, I felt two things at once. Very happy for her and devastated that her new husband was “stealing” her from me. I mourned the loss of being the closest person in her life. I felt like her wedding was a ceremony to replace me. In a lot of ways, it was.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom and their love, but at the same time I’m battling my own inner war. I can’t make that go away. As much as I love weddings, they are always going to remind me of what I’m missing, of what I wanted for myself that I’ve not been able to get (when everything else I want is something I work toward and achieve). They fill me with jealousy, love, well wishes, remorse, frustration, appreciation, and disappointment.

Another related post, check out Not Behind, Just Different

I am actually currently very ok my relationship status (I need a dating break) and the weddings coming up (perhaps it has to do with the "Epiphanies" I posted about and an overall feeling of peace I am currently in the midst of (please stay!)), but I also know me and know that I will get down in the dumps between now and when I watch my last friend walk down the aisle this year. My goal is to try to have more joy and ENJOY the weddings, rather than feel sorry for myself or like I am missing out. Heck, maybe I will even bring a date to a wedding this year! Small steps, right?
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