Musings of a Single Gal

It seems the mid-twenties are a time for engagements. I know I have said before that everyone is starting to get married, but I was lying. Now really EVERYONE is starting to get married. I am up to counting on three hands the numbers of friends that are engaged. It literally is someone new almost every week, and I know it is only going to keep going up because I have even more friends in very serious relationships. I think I have too many friends.

The thing is, I am genuinely happy for my friends. They all deserve happiness and companionship and someone to share their life with. I genuinely like all of their fiancés. Truly, no one is marrying someone evil or crazy. They are all good, solid people. I genuinely am not even jealous because I am not ready to be married. So on the surface there is nothing bad about any of these engagements.

But then there is this hole. There is this knot in the pit of my stomach that grows every time I learn someone new is engaged. There is this underlying sadness I feel amongst the happiness. There are always tears that I have to fight from surfacing when I find out someone new will walk down the aisle.

You know when you’re a kid, and everyone gets picked before you for a team on the playground? Or everyone gets invited to a party that you don’t get invited to? That feeling of being left behind you get when someone is experiencing something you aren’t? That is a feeling I can’t shake.

When you think about it, most of your childhood is on par with all of your friends. For the most part (in regards to all my close friends), you all move from grade to grade together. You get your drivers license together, go to dances together, graduate together, go to college together and get jobs together. Everyone completes the same steps around the same time but in their own, individual way. No one is left behind.

Relationships are not set up for everyone to be on the same step all the time. I get that. Some people have more friends than others; have more boyfriends/girlfriends than others. Some date for a long time before they get married while others are quickly moving to the next step. Some are serial monogamists while others only date someone serious every few years. Everyone is different. I know.

Still, even though I understand it and don’t question it or judge those or even compare myself to others, I can’t help but wonder: Will I ever get that? Is everyone else experiencing this wonderful thing that I will never get to experience? What am I missing out on? And more importantly…will I ever catch up?

I have had long conversations with my mother about the uncertainties of her mid-twenties and having to be ok with who you are and what your life will be. She, in the mid-1970’s, was considered “old” for not being married until she was 27, so what I am experiencing now is similar to her experiences. It has been nice that she relates to me so well in how I am feeling. And from my life experiences and talking with her, I know that not everyone’s life is the same. Everyone gets to each step differently. Happiness is the most important (and being married does not guarantee happiness). Your life is in your control for YOU to make the best of it. I know. I get it.

I also know that I have many years of weddings left. And they will be wonderful and fun and exciting. I will go to them all with a smile on my face and love in my heart for my amazing friends. But this knot. After the weddings fade and excitement dies down, will it ever dissipate?

The Marrying Kind

This year at my school I have taken on a mini-second job selling tickets or merchandise at the sporting events- football, basketball, volleyball and soccer. It’s been fun to see my students at athletic events, catch up with faculty and parents, watch all the different sports, and get some extra money (I get paid very well for the hours/what I do). The job is awesome- I usually read while I sit at a table selling or taking tickets, or I use my waiting table skills to convince people to buy awesome school gear (QUEEN of merchandise is my 2nd name).

Anyways, the point to all this is that I read a lot during the time I sell tickets. My reading has slowed down greatly since the summer, but I have read The Great Gatsby (LOVED it) and am currently reading Julie & Julia. In Julie & Julia, a book about a young woman’s quest to cook all of Julia Child’s recipes in Mastering the Art of French Cooking and her hectic life during that time, the narrator  talks about many aspects of being a woman in the 21st century. One topic she focused on in the chapter I read last night was marriage and children. Her brother commented to her that her friend must not be “the marrying kind,” since she is 30ish and not married, and it set her off. She herself is married, but she took offense that he said women are “born a certain way” to not be married. To her, any woman can be married or not married; it just depends on who she meets and what is going on in her life. She also questions motherhood often and what it must have been like for Julia Child to 1). Not get married until her 30’s and 2). to not have children during an age (1950’s/60’s) when that is what women were supposed to do.

I have often wondered how my life would be different had I been a 25 year old in the 1950’s/60’s. I would probably be married, with kids and without the level of education I received. Would I have been ok with my life like that with the same personality I have now? I don’t know. It would certainly be true to say that I probably wouldn’t have been expecting to go to college and knew that marriage and family was my life path, but being the high-achiever that I am, would I have approached that aspect of my life in the same way I now approach school and work? Or would I have been the crusader who fought for women’s rights and dared to break the mold? Who knows. Our personality is so much nature AND nurture that born in a different era, many parts of my nature would have been different. But would it have changed the fundamentals of who I am?

Julia Child definitely broke the mold, career and family wise, which is what the narrator was alluding to in her annoyance of her brother’s statement. Anyone can get married and have children and, honestly, anyone can’t. Children and marriage aren’t the premium deciding factors of a successful life. Life gets in the way of our plans or changes our paths- some who always want children or marriage won’t have either and others who never wanted that will. So maybe we shouldn’t rush to label others or even ourselves. I have often said that “I am not the marrying kind,” but maybe that is the wrong statement for me to use. I should remain open to anything life throws at me and know that I will be ok where ever my journey takes me, because I have a lot of love to give to the right person.

I am just very thankful that I live in the time I do where I have that choice and where society won’t shun me into a corner (for the most part) either way. Thanks, Julie/Julia.