Singled Out vs. Married with Children

Disclaimer: this post is not about me hating kids or hating on my friends for having kids. It is only my perspective and not the perspective from the other side of this-> what it is like for friends with kids to have friends without. Yet, this is simply about how it feels to be single, unattached and almost 30 with no kids on the horizon.

This post is for anyone who is not having babies (for whatever reason) when practically everyone you know is or will be soon. It is a weird place to be. A few years ago I wrote this post on my feelings about all my friends getting married, and while many things from that post still hold true, having babies is a totally different dynamic. For my relationships with my friends, marriage didn't really change our dynamics, or if they did it was temporary when the relationship was new, but babies undoubtedly do.

Don't get me wrong, babies are great. They are cute and smiley and say and do adorable things and bring out a different side to you and your friends. They also keep me employed, because I work in schools! But, and I am totally being selfish here, they also take your friends away from you. When babies enter the picture, your friends are tired, worried, stressed (mentally and/or financially), less flexible or willing to hang out with you due to home life being a little crazy, and their minds are all about their kids as they should or should not be depending on the level of obsession:)

My social calendar was once filled up with social gatherings surrounding alcohol and freedom...then it moved to wedding showers and Bachelorette parties (I am lucky that I still have many of these, too)...now, baby showers are taking the cake (literally, though, any excuse for cake is great). Instead of easy to purchase home items, I am looking at registries for items I don't understand (if someone can explain to me half of what people need for babies, I would appreciate it), and I am going to parties where the talk is all about babies, the birthing process, bodies during/after babies and everything in between. (Shout out to my friend this weekend who showed me her c-section scar...it looks much better than I imagined!)

The thing is, I love it and hate it at the same time. I love to see friends so happy about this new stage of their life and see them and their partners embracing their maternal/paternal instincts. It is also great to see the different approaches to parenting and the cool kids they ultimately produce! But it is also a bit of a mourning period for me when each friend starts having kids. Mourning what our relationship is because it will never be the same. Mourning the fact that I am no where near that stage of my life.  Mourning what is wrong with me that having babies doesn't seem so great to me anyways?

The dynamic towards me as a childless, single, almost 30-year-old has also changed. Where once (and still sometimes) people were envious of the freedom and different path I am taking career, lifestyle (running + travel!), and education-wise (PhD), people also judge. I have heard more and more over the past year that "you don't understand because you don't have children," or "you don't know real love because you aren't a mother." Since when do women tear each other down? Since when is my life less important or less fulfilled because I don't have kids? Since when does my choice NOT to settle with any man  or practicing *ahem* safe sex, delineate me to a lifetime of sub-par love and lack of understanding? How does anyone even know what I think or feel about relationships and marriage and babies and life goals? Why do we have to judge so much?

Fact of the matter is, I don't know if I want kids or not. I don't know if I want to be married or not. But I sure as hell do not sit around mourning what I don't have. I wasted enough of my time in my mid-20's doing that, and it led to me feeling worthless and lost. I view life as a journey with different paths, not one better or more perfect than the other. If I marry and have kids- great!- and if I don't- that is great, too! But I do mourn for what I am losing, in terms of friends and how that relationship will change. No matter how wonderful something is and how change is a part of life, it is never easy, especially if it is on a path different from your own.

My life has been a big part of celebrating other people. Engagements, weddings, babies....all these wonderful things. But, when will people be celebrating me?

Some other great posts on this topic: When Everyone Else is Married with Children, An Open Letter to My Friend Without Kids, 16 Things New Parents Want Their Friends Without Kids To Know , How to Stay Friends When Your Friends Have Kids

Please share your thoughts on this topic below.

Vacation Life is Great!

The past week and a half has been, overall, perfect. A perfect trip to NYC followed by a perfect trip to Duck (Outer Banks in North Carolina). I love traveling. I know I talk about it all the time and you are probably sick of hearing about it, but I do. It brings me to life. Even though annoyances undoubtedly happen during any trip, the overall feeling and experience I get from any out of town journey is the fuel I need for my life. It is like a really good tune up- it keeps me going with renewed energy. I wouldn't trade my cheap-o day to day life, saving anywhere possible, to not be able to travel. Ever. $1 pizzas from Kroger FOR LIFE.

Here is a photo tutorial of my trips...

Bachelorette wedding-dress-made-out-of-paper-towel shenanigans.

Me and the beautiful bride-to-be!

Meatpacking District in NYC!

Beer Garden!

Jess and Brandy- AXO's!

Hottt (literally).

Highline!

View of the Hudson from a boat bar/restaurant.

I love NYC:) Even in a heat wave.

Ready to go out!

Me and Marin!

Enjoying our Mexican all you can eat and drink dinner!

Cheers! We love Margaritas:)

Taking a break from dancing!

Our Australian friends!

FREE table and drinks:)

Best photo sequence ever.

A really good song came on...

LOVE.

Duck sunset!

Papa and I

Perfection.

Beach dunes before a storm.

Our neighborhood.

Me running up our street- yes, I run on vacation. Gotta burn off all that extra food/drinks:)

Our house! Mallard Cottage Too.

Joe napping with baby Andrew:)

Baby stealer!

Precious:)

My usual position at the beach!

Me and Nicole!

Our set-up.

Last night.

Posin'.

The parental unit.

Marg and I

View from dinner.

Tan, full and happy!

Post-vacation depression has already set in, but I have a busy few days with pool work, so hopefully I will get back in the groove! Only two weeks until my next trip!

Oh, and for those who keep looking at my "2013 in Books" list, I read 5 books in 10 days on vacation. Not my best effort, but hence why my list is getting out of control. Please message me any reading suggestions!! I am running out of books.

Oh, Baby!

So, on a rare day of not working/traveling/attending a wedding, after a tortuous 4 mile run (it was even at 6:30 AM...damn you humidity), I got to drive to Virginia Beach to visit this cutie pie:

Baby Andrew!

Being awkward with a baby. I don't know what to do with these things.

Ignore my tan/hair/no makeup face and focus on the cuteness beside me!

Nicole is my first close friend to have a baby, who was born only two days after my own birthday, on June 12th (we our linked forever by our sign- yay Gemini's)! I slightly freaked out when I found out she was expecting since she is my first friend to create another human (we can't be this old yet, right?!), but I have wrapped my head around this whole child rearing process for people my age and am so happy and excited for her and her hubby! He is almost 1 month old and is the cutest baby boy I have seen in a while! He even let me hold him, and speaking from someone with no infant experience, I successfully didn't kill him (though the head holding thing is a bit awkward), and we got along just fine. He approves of me since he proceeded to poop and spit up whilst I was holding him with no problem (thankfully, I came away clean). I think that means we have bonded.

Such a natural!

Friends and a kid!

Posin'

Nicole is so laid back, and it was so nice to catch up with her and hold baby Andrew for the afternoon. I am excited to watch him grow and see what his personality will be like. Nicole and I are already planning fun things we can do with him!

Congrats again to Nic and Dan:)

Baby Mamma

This summer I have been watching a 9 month old, Nathan, once a week, who is the son of one of my coworkers. This is the first time I have ever watched a baby for an extensive period of time, and, therefore, it has been an interesting experience.

 Yes, I am with a baby. And I have proof.

First off, I never realized how you have to watch the baby EVERY SECOND. This kid can't even walk yet (he crawls and can stand up and move holding on to things), but he always goes to things that he shouldn't- cords, pulling lamps, touching things under the TV, ect. And he KNOWS he shouldn't do it, because whenever he goes to those things, he will look at me and smile! Little mischievious kid, already. But he has begun babbling, which is super cute, and he is good at playing/talking with himself.

Napping is another story. He will fall asleep in my arms after a bottle, but the SECOND I get up and walk to his crib, he will wail. I am told he is a great sleeper at night, but I am learning that this kid does not like day naps unless they are in the arms of someone, which is cute, but limits the mom (or me) from doing anything else for that hour he sleeps. I guess an hour without having to watch him is a gift, though!

 I'm cute even though I don't like to nap in my crib.

Feeding also takes forever. I never realized that it takes a baby at least 30 minutes to be fed something and that is is MESSY. He can feed himself solid foods, but I have to be there for the soft food feeding and to make sure he doesn't shove the solid food all in his mouth at once and choke to death. He also makes funny noises, rocks himself excitedly back and forth, and dances while he eats, which is cute, but makes the whole process take longer. He is great with a bottle, though. Humans love for food must be innate!

 Yummy food!

Every time I have been there, I have had to do a whole outfit change because he pees all over himself. I thought diapers were supposed to protect leaks? (I also have learned about cloth diapers...I am not sure I am sold). Or maybe this kid has the bladder of an adult, because he is a pee-er. And when he is pooping it is pretty obvious- his face turns red and he just stares at me and then gets really happy a few seconds later. The farting gives it away, too. He enjoys being changed too much, because he wiggles and giggles all over the place, so it makes getting him cleaned up a race because I don't want him to get his poops all over the changing table. I also have learned quickly to not wear any good clothes because I undoubtedly get pee or spit up all over me. I can see why moms don't even try to look attractive much.

I don't know how stay at home moms do it, and it reaffirms my belief that I will never be able to be one. Watching a kid 24/7 gets exhausting, and I can see how it becomes very isolating. The big plus, though, is that you can watch anything in the background and the kid won't complain or even pay attention to the TV! And a stroller and play pin are lifesavers.